So many thoughts
As a young 21 - 22 year old senior in college, I drove around in my VW Golf, with a sign taped onto the glove box that said "YOU ARE IN CONTROL." Well, my fiance, soon to be husband, used to tease me and tell me that I needed to give birth to a "litter." He was of the view that I had the same Type A personality that a cat has. In his experience, cats mellowed out after they had their first litter. This is not scientific mind you, just anecdotal.
I didn't mellow out any time soon, as I am sure the 4 step-children we had custody of within the first 6 months of our marriage can attest to. I didn't mellow out for a long, long time. Too long, in fact. Bless those 4 beautiful children who had to endure my obsession to control them. Not to be misunderstood, there were A LOT of things that we needed to get a handle on and control was the only way to go about it. But I took farther than was necessary or healthy. "Little General" became my husband's pet name for me. I take no offense, believe me. In fact, I credit him and a very loving Heavenly Father for showing me the way.
Music, video games, movies, books, computer time, computer games, television time, you name it, I wanted to control it. I wanted my family to look good, to sound good to be GOOD, and by damn I was going to make them. Keep in mind that my first experience with children included 2 boys, ages 6 and 9, and two girls, ages 11 and 14. I had teenagers right out of the gate. There were difficulties that needed special attention - even control, but not like I thought.
Fast forward 5 or 6 years and I have now given birth to at least three children (I'm not trying for accurate details), must not have been a litter, because I don't think I had mellowed much. I remember a particularly frustrating few months with my beautiful, stubborn, bull-headed daughter number 1. She was probably about 4 or 5. I was fit to be tied. She said "no" no matter what you asked her, she defied me at every possible opportunity. I was certain she would have to be removed from my care because I was going to KILL her. She had to do everything her way. I was way out of my league. And I thought step-children, who probably didn't really even like me, were hard. She was impossible. So, one evening I was enlisting the advice of my dear husband, "What am I supposed to do with her? She won't do this, she won't do that. I can't make her listen . . ." You get the picture. I will never forget what he said -- it was the most profound thing anyone had ever said to me up to that point in my life. It also made me angrier than I had been in a coon's age. (If you don't know, don't ask) He said, and I quote, "You can't control her." He was so calm, so matter of fact, I wanted to kill HIM then HER. Yes, I can! I am her mother!!! Can you hear it? Then he recommended I read a book he had just finished. Probably the only "self help" book he has ever read in his entire life. Thank you C. Terry Warner for writing "The Bonds that Make us Free." Completely changed my attitude. Not overnight and not without much love and nurturing. You see, I liked my attitude before. I could get things done and I could get them done MY WAY. I could get the chores done, I could get the homework finished, I could make sure they listened to the right music, went only to the right movies, and played only the right video games. I really could control everything. After all, that's what the sign said, remember?
I have 9 children. Four step children and my own litter of five. I have been married 19 years. I have raised teenagers into adults and infants into teenagers. I have learned one VERY VERY important lesson. I CAN CONTROL ALMOST NOTHING!! And what illusion I have that I can, is only that, an illusion. One day those kids that I control will leave my home. Unless they have their own set of core values - taught by me and my husband, reinforced by good example - when I am no longer controlling them, they will CRASH and BURN. I can control me. That is all. More importantly, human beings aren't meant to be controlled. Don't get me wrong, I am all for the Love and Logic control V. I get it. I understand obedience and restrictions while they are young and can't make decisions for themselves. I am not abdicating. I am just reminiscing. I also know that everybody is different. We are unique and respond to different things differently. How's that for vague? But I do know that in my life I have learned a very valuable lesson.
There is a point to this . . . I believe you teach them correct principals and let them govern themselves. I believe in this to the very center of my spirit. The Lord has taught me this. Them is anyone, at any age in any hierarchy or construct. "Them" are my children, "them" are you and me. "Them" are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us.
Heavenly Father proposed a plan. A plan in which we had free agency and could come down here and succeed and fail willy-nilly. And we do, don't we? If the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not our core belief system, no amount of control or instruction by anybody will save us. How do we get the Gospel of Jesus Christ to be our core values? How do we get it to be the core values of the ones we love the most, our children and our families? Not by control. We teach REAL true gospel principles in our homes. We make our homes where REAL true gospel doctrine is taught and lived. We make choices, we learn, we use our free agency, we fail, we get back up, we learn a gospel principle, we internalize it and make it part of our core, and then we do it again, and again, and again. We ask the Lord for help over and over and over again. We believe we can access the mysteries of God. (Alma 12: 9-10) He has said so. We believe He will send us a comforter. (John 14:16) He has said so. We believe that if we forsake our sins and keep that commandments that we will see His face. (D&C 93:1) He has said so. We believe what He says, even when discouraged, even when others try and convince us otherwise. We believe what the scriptures say. No matter what.
Christ never controlled. He blessed. He loved unconditionally. He taught correct principles and let them govern themselves.
And with that preachy rant - I bid adieu. post script: not edited
I didn't mellow out any time soon, as I am sure the 4 step-children we had custody of within the first 6 months of our marriage can attest to. I didn't mellow out for a long, long time. Too long, in fact. Bless those 4 beautiful children who had to endure my obsession to control them. Not to be misunderstood, there were A LOT of things that we needed to get a handle on and control was the only way to go about it. But I took farther than was necessary or healthy. "Little General" became my husband's pet name for me. I take no offense, believe me. In fact, I credit him and a very loving Heavenly Father for showing me the way.
Music, video games, movies, books, computer time, computer games, television time, you name it, I wanted to control it. I wanted my family to look good, to sound good to be GOOD, and by damn I was going to make them. Keep in mind that my first experience with children included 2 boys, ages 6 and 9, and two girls, ages 11 and 14. I had teenagers right out of the gate. There were difficulties that needed special attention - even control, but not like I thought.
Fast forward 5 or 6 years and I have now given birth to at least three children (I'm not trying for accurate details), must not have been a litter, because I don't think I had mellowed much. I remember a particularly frustrating few months with my beautiful, stubborn, bull-headed daughter number 1. She was probably about 4 or 5. I was fit to be tied. She said "no" no matter what you asked her, she defied me at every possible opportunity. I was certain she would have to be removed from my care because I was going to KILL her. She had to do everything her way. I was way out of my league. And I thought step-children, who probably didn't really even like me, were hard. She was impossible. So, one evening I was enlisting the advice of my dear husband, "What am I supposed to do with her? She won't do this, she won't do that. I can't make her listen . . ." You get the picture. I will never forget what he said -- it was the most profound thing anyone had ever said to me up to that point in my life. It also made me angrier than I had been in a coon's age. (If you don't know, don't ask) He said, and I quote, "You can't control her." He was so calm, so matter of fact, I wanted to kill HIM then HER. Yes, I can! I am her mother!!! Can you hear it? Then he recommended I read a book he had just finished. Probably the only "self help" book he has ever read in his entire life. Thank you C. Terry Warner for writing "The Bonds that Make us Free." Completely changed my attitude. Not overnight and not without much love and nurturing. You see, I liked my attitude before. I could get things done and I could get them done MY WAY. I could get the chores done, I could get the homework finished, I could make sure they listened to the right music, went only to the right movies, and played only the right video games. I really could control everything. After all, that's what the sign said, remember?
I have 9 children. Four step children and my own litter of five. I have been married 19 years. I have raised teenagers into adults and infants into teenagers. I have learned one VERY VERY important lesson. I CAN CONTROL ALMOST NOTHING!! And what illusion I have that I can, is only that, an illusion. One day those kids that I control will leave my home. Unless they have their own set of core values - taught by me and my husband, reinforced by good example - when I am no longer controlling them, they will CRASH and BURN. I can control me. That is all. More importantly, human beings aren't meant to be controlled. Don't get me wrong, I am all for the Love and Logic control V. I get it. I understand obedience and restrictions while they are young and can't make decisions for themselves. I am not abdicating. I am just reminiscing. I also know that everybody is different. We are unique and respond to different things differently. How's that for vague? But I do know that in my life I have learned a very valuable lesson.
There is a point to this . . . I believe you teach them correct principals and let them govern themselves. I believe in this to the very center of my spirit. The Lord has taught me this. Them is anyone, at any age in any hierarchy or construct. "Them" are my children, "them" are you and me. "Them" are children of a Heavenly Father who loves us.
Heavenly Father proposed a plan. A plan in which we had free agency and could come down here and succeed and fail willy-nilly. And we do, don't we? If the Gospel of Jesus Christ is not our core belief system, no amount of control or instruction by anybody will save us. How do we get the Gospel of Jesus Christ to be our core values? How do we get it to be the core values of the ones we love the most, our children and our families? Not by control. We teach REAL true gospel principles in our homes. We make our homes where REAL true gospel doctrine is taught and lived. We make choices, we learn, we use our free agency, we fail, we get back up, we learn a gospel principle, we internalize it and make it part of our core, and then we do it again, and again, and again. We ask the Lord for help over and over and over again. We believe we can access the mysteries of God. (Alma 12: 9-10) He has said so. We believe He will send us a comforter. (John 14:16) He has said so. We believe that if we forsake our sins and keep that commandments that we will see His face. (D&C 93:1) He has said so. We believe what He says, even when discouraged, even when others try and convince us otherwise. We believe what the scriptures say. No matter what.
Christ never controlled. He blessed. He loved unconditionally. He taught correct principles and let them govern themselves.
And with that preachy rant - I bid adieu. post script: not edited
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